I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're a waste of cheezeits
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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