so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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