Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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