In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
