She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize