I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize