if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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