There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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