took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
