Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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