Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize