party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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