Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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