I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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