You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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