i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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