I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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