You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
