The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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