By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
