i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
