Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
