I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
