i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
