the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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