She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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