Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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