She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
