OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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