im six kinds of drunk right now
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize