Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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