you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
