Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
you never un-have a 4some
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize