I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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