he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
