soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize