I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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