hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
