She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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