even my farts smell like vagina
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
