I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
