if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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