I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
