I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
