Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
