I hate your face
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
