Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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