Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
