why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
