Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I pour the whiskey from now on
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
