Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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