That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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