i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
