This is not my ceiling
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize