Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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