Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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