Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
