Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
