you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
