The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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