i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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