What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
