you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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