First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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