White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
